Turning point
by CercandoUnaVoce
Summary: Oneshot. Missing scene from episode 2x04 (spoiler!). A little peak on what happens in Street's mind right after his conversation with his mother. This is his emotional journey to start finding his way back to the team.


Street got out of his apartment, slamming the door in his mother's face.  
He didn't looked back.

He couldn't.

If he did, he risked to fall back for her again.  
And he couldn't afford that.

Not anymore.

He just stood there for a few seconds, trying to breath his anger out.  
"I did the right thing," he kept repeating to himself, to convince his body to finally leave.

He soundly exhaled, trying to make up his mind on where to go next.

He couldn't go to Chris this time, or neither to one of his ex s.w.a.t. teammates.

At least not while the wound was still that open.  
He wasn't ready to hear the 'I told you' conversation from them.

Not yet.

Not till he cleared his mind.

He was too ashamed for rushing back to them in those conditions.  
He wasn't ready to take the full responsibility of his choices in front of them.

Not yet.

He couldn't go to his current partner either.  
He was too honest and by the book to understand why he kept covering for his mom again and again.  
Plus, he didn't know the whole story, and telling him now would be too painful for him.

Speaking things up out and loud would made them real, and he wasn't ready for that.

Not yet.

He was all alone again.

He had nowhere to go.

He had no one to turn to.

And he knew he went down that hole all by himself.

But now was the time to react.

He jumped on his bike, and just rode it, heading wherever the road would take him.

He speeded up as much as he could.  
The adrenaline rush, the wind on his skin, the air resistance on his whole body, all those things distracted him, preventing him to think about the giant ball of emotions that was stuck in his throat, suffocating him.

Suddenly a bump in the road made his bike spin out, and he barely managed to stay on board.

"Stop, Jim, you have to stop!" He said to himself, quickly finding a place to park.  
"You have to calm down."

He took his helmet off, and stared at it, noticing how hard his hands were shaking.  
Then he looked around, not knowing exactly where he was.

He slightly smiled.  
"Of course," he found himself at the beach. "Where else would I be?"  
His memory went back to his childhood.  
That was his safe place, the one he went to every time he needed to escape from a bad situation.  
That surely was not the first time he ended up sleeping on the sand.

He took his shoes off, and went toward the ocean, shuddering as the cold water touched his bare feet.

The beach was desert at that time of the night, and he could just stand there, eyes closed, focusing on the smells of the nature.  
He tried to concentrate on the rhythmic movement of the waves that were regularly coming and going, massaging his ankles.  
He tried to match his respiratory rate to that slow, constant rhythm.  
He had to regain control of himself.

Then he took a deep, long breath, and started screaming at the top of his lungs.  
His fist were clenched, and every single muscle of his body was tensed at maximum.  
He put all his strengths in that liberating gesture.

He needed to let go.

He needed to let his pain out.

He knew that.  
Even if he had no one to talk to, he knew he had to find a way out, or he was going to suffocate.

He was feeling like he was going to drift away in the dark.

He found that way, yelling at the void, just letting everything out of his chest till he remained completely out of breath.

"Hell!" He laid down on the sand, looking at the sky. "What am I gonna do now?"

The cool breeze coming from the ocean pinched his cheeks, taking him back to the present.

He was lost.

He was broken.

His head and his heart were dominated by all sort of emotions:

 **Rage**

He was angry against his mother.

She let him down so bad that he couldn't even look at her anymore.

'I would never do _that_ to you,' she said, but she already did.

She put him in the worst possible position.  
She made him lie for her, risking not just her freedom, but also his job.

She made him risk his entire life.

Again.

He was angry against himself.

He didn't trust his teammates, his friends.  
Instead he had to trust her.  
"Why?"

He gave up on everyone who really cared about him, to stand by the person that should have loved him more than anyone, only to discover she didn't really care about him.  
"Why did I do that?"

He beat himself up.  
But now he had to let the past go.  
He had to focus on the present.

Now he had to pull back his life together.

 **Disappointment**

He was disappointed by her.

He had faith in her, and she used him.

Again.

She lied to him.

Again.

This time she lied at a direct request from him.  
She lied looking at him straight in the eyes.

"Damn, how many times she may lied to me in the past?" He couldn't help but asking himself. "Was Hondo really right about her?"  
He thought about the time she asked him that 'little favor for a friend'.  
"Yes, of course it was a set up back then."

He was disappointed by himself.

"I left everything for her, and she could not do the same. Not once."  
Every time he thought she was starting doing better, she just found another way to let him deeply down.

"They were right!" He couldn't stop repeating that to himself.  
"Man, I surely could do better choices..."

Till now he had been too proud to admit that he was wrong about her, even to himself, and now that he could, there was no going back.

But he had to look forward, or he would find himself trapped, chained to a wall of regrets.

 **Mistrust**

He used to trust his mother.  
Which kid wouldn't do that?

But she let him down again and again.

He felt used.

He felt abused.

His mother was a perfect manipulator.  
His mother betrayed him.

He finally opened his eyes to that.  
How could he trust her now on?

He couldn't anymore.

He used to trust his gut.  
He used to follow his own instinct, in his personal life, as long as on his job.  
But he was wrong about her.  
He was wrong about the person who meant the most in his life.

His gut lied to him.  
How could he trust his instinct now on?

He couldn't anymore.

 **Guilt**

For all his life he felt guilty for what happened to her.

"I did this for you," she used to say, making him desire that back then, he could stand up for himself.  
Making him feel like if he only was able to do something more than hiding in his room, things would be different now.

"I should at least have covered for her, I should have done what she said." That's what he thought for all those years, feeling in debt to her.  
Feeling like if he only didn't say the truth to Buck _that night_ , things would be different now.

Feeling responsible for something he had absolutely no control on.

"How could I feel like that for all this time?"  
"That was not my fault." Now he could finally see that.

"She choose to keep my father close.  
"She choose to kill him in cold blood.  
"She choose to make her own son being a bait.  
"She choose to ask me to lie."

He had to say that out loud, he had to make his mother hear those things from his voice.

"She made me think she was doing all that for me, but she was just using me, back then as she is now."

He had to admit that.  
He had to admit he couldn't control any of that.  
He had to admit it wasn't his fault.

But he still felt tight to her.  
"It's not like I'm abandoning her," he had to convince himself.  
"I left her the apartment, I left her extra money. I'm still going to take care of her..."

"I'm taking my responsibilities."

 **Shame**

He was ashamed of his behavior with his friends.  
He was ashamed of his poor choices.  
He was ashamed of his blindness toward his mom.

"How could I be so stupid?" He never stopped blaming himself.  
"How could I not see that coming?"

He grew up clung to the hope that she could still be a mother for him.  
For all that time he badly tried to not let that feeling go.  
"It was just a childish daydream. How could I not realize that before?"

Even after he discovered the little packet in her room, he tried in every possible way to find an excuse for her.  
He desperately had to prove his mother was acting in good faith.

He always did that, no matter what.

He had to believe that there was a good reason for everything she did.

"How could I be so blind?"

And while standing there, in his living room, waiting for her to explain, he hoped with all his strengths that she could find a good excuse.

He was refusing to believe that she was so reckless, that she was so dumb.

Than the cold shower: she had no good reasons.

Not at all.

She thought only about herself.

"I must have known!" he finally opened his eyes, feeling the most stupid man on the earth.

There were not a single possible good explanation for all that.

"And she really though I would fell for this? Did she really think that I am that naive? That I am that dumb?"

"This is all my fault." This thought never left him, not for a single second.  
It was not because of what he did or didn't do _that night_ for her.  
Now he knew.  
His only guilt was having trusted her.

The difference was that till now, he just preferred to put the blame on others, to put it all on his friends.  
It was easier because the truth was too hard to face.

But now he was ready.

Now he could blame his mother.  
Now he could take the blame on himself.  
Now he could take the responsibility for his actions.

 **Loneliness**

He felt completely alone.

He knew that feeling well.

He was kind of used to it, but now it was different.  
This time he was alone for real, maybe for the first time in his entire life.  
He was used to not having someone to turn to when he was in need, but at least he always knew where to find his mother.  
He felt like she was there, even if she wasn't physically there.  
Even if she couldn't do anything for him, in his mind he could keep up the hope that if she only could, she would do anything.

Growing up he had never had a stable home, a place he could feel safe in.  
He never had a real family, or someone who could actually take care of him.  
And despite he was always surrounded by other kids, and social workers, and people who claimed to do what was best for him, he never felt part of anything.

But he had his safety belt on: he knew his mother would get out of prison one day, and then she could stand up for him again and again, every time that he needed her.

He always got hold to that hope.  
And he patiently waited for her.

But now he was lost, his backup plan went in pieces right when he needed it the most.  
She could be there, but she wasn't.

He sighted, feeling the weight of his choices.  
"Just now, that I finally found my place, a place I can call home, now that I found people I could call family, I had to give up all that to stand for her. To take her parts.  
"And what did she do? She betrays me... and she leaves me alone like I never was before."

 **Void**

Finally, when all those chaotic feelings were gone, and his mind started to get clear, all he had left was the void.

He felt emptied by all those emotions.

He cried all the tears he had.  
He spit out all the venom he accumulated in his body.

Now he was an empty shell.

He had no strengths left.

He had _nothing_ left.

"Come on, you can do this, don't give up." He tried to hang in there.

He was used to people turning their back on him.  
What he was not used to was turning his back on the few people he really cared about.

"You have to do this. You have no choice!" He encouraged himself.

He knew that he said he didn't need them, that he didn't need anyone, but he was wrong.  
Damn wrong.

"Think, Jim, think." He was so used to let go and move on when it came to fractured relationships that he didn't know where to start to patch things up.

"Maybe if you ask for it, they can forgive you."

He needed to admit his guilt in front of them.

"Maybe you can make amend."

He needed to ask it loud, and to ask it in person.

"Maybe if you try with all the strengths you've got, you can win your _real_ family back."

He needed to try.

 **Fear**

The fear of not being able to make things right.

"What happens if they don't want to listen to me?"

The fear of letting them down all over again.

"What happens if I end up screwing up again?"

And the fear of trusting someone with all his heart, only to be let down again.

"What happens if I let them in for real, and they turn their back on me?"

"Oh, man, how can people live with that?" He was overwhelmed.  
"I truly need someone to teach me how to handle this kind of feelings..."

He was used to be scared, he learned that on a very young age.  
But growing up he also learned how to put it aside, how to be brave.

"Maybe they can help me... if they only let me in...  
"Hell! If _I_ only let them in..."

He had to act brave now.  
He had to make a move.

He just had to try.

The darkness had now fallen down deep.  
He could do nothing at that time of the night.  
He just had to hang on till the morning.

The air was now cold and bitter, but he was used to it.  
It was nothing compared to the cold he felt on the inside.

There was nothing but water and sand around him, but he didn't care.  
It was nothing compared to the void he felt in his heart.

He stood there, his body abandoned on the sand, his eyes closed, listening to the deafening silence of his soul.

He had to recover all his strengths.  
The day after he had to move.  
He couldn't hold back.

Not anymore.

It was time for 'all in'.  
Everything or nothing.


End file.
